Becoming a mother while missing mine

There is something complicated about Mother’s Day when you are a mother… but you are also grieving one.

And this year, I struggled with it more than I expected.

As someone building a motherhood brand, I almost felt pressure to show up beautifully for the occasion.

To post something meaningful.
To celebrate loudly.
To have the right words.

But the truth is…
my heart felt heavy.

Because becoming a mother changed the way I see my own mother.

There are things I understand now that I could never fully understand as a child.

The exhaustion.
The sacrifice.
The silent carrying.
The constant choosing of everyone else before yourself.

And sometimes I sit quietly and think about her life.

About everything she survived.
Everything she gave.
Everything she probably needed but never received.

And I find myself wishing things had been softer for her.

Wishing she had rested more.
Wishing she had been cared for more deeply.
Wishing life had returned to her the same love she poured into everyone else.

Now that I am a mother myself, I see more clearly what strength actually looks like.

It is not loud.

Sometimes strength looks like waking up tired and still showing up for your children.

Sometimes it looks like carrying pain quietly so your children can feel safe.

Sometimes it looks like sacrificing pieces of yourself so your children can become who they are meant to be.

And my mother did that.

She gave so much of herself so I could become who I am today.

So this Mother’s Day…
I found myself caught between gratitude and grief.

Grateful that I got to be loved by her.
Grateful for everything she planted into my life.

But grieving the weight of what she carried.
Grieving the ways life may not have loved her gently enough.

And maybe that is one of the strangest parts of motherhood…

One day you wake up, and suddenly your mother is no longer just “your mother.”

She becomes a woman you finally understand.

A woman whose sacrifices now live inside of you.

A woman whose strength shaped your own.

And somehow, through motherhood, I feel closer to her than ever.

Even in the ache.

Even in the silence.

Even though she’s not here. 

My hope is that when you read this you will be reminded of your mother. That you will know that you are a piece of her and she is always with you. 
And if your mom still lives today, call that Woman and tell her how beautiful she is. Send her flowers.. leave her a message.